The Curiosity of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Blazing Chaos
Summary: A bored Haruhi is never a good thing, and neither is one who thinks that something is being hidden from her. Unfortunately, she has the power to do something about it, and Kyon is about to learn an interesting lesson about walking in another's shoes...
1. The Curiosity of Haruhi Suzumiya I

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, but I do own the original characters introduced in this story and my other stories (except where stated otherwise here or elsewhere by myself). The exceptions are Oruki and Naru, Haruhi's parents, who JonBob0008 has given permission for use of. Oh, and if I forget to put that bit on any later chapters by mistake, please don't shoot me!**

**A/N: **Cheers again go to Crazyeight for beta-reading. Oh, and the reason you would have got three story alerts for this is because for some reason the first and second times around the story was for some reason inaccessible. Not too sure what was going on there to be honest.

* * *

If there's anything I've learnt in this past year, it's that time is an excellent anaesthetic. Sure, my knees still ache at even the thought of the mountain I have to climb to reach the school, but I like to think I have a great deal more to look forward to there than most people do.

Even sitting in the club room, sipping one of Miss Asahina's fantastic cups of tea with little else going on, leaves me eager. Those are the best days, even if time does seem to drag on when nothing is happening.

Of course, with the self-proclaimed omnipotent chief of the SOS Brigade, Haruhi Suzumiya, a day of nothing is rare.

Sure, I will probably be the one to end up doing the hard work and cleaning up the mess, but compared to Taniguchi and his endless hopelessness, I like to think that I have an interesting life. Maybe I'm even happy, although my being so would probably leave any sane person baffled. Thankfully, I don't meet many of them.

In fact, I barely meet many sane people. The people I spend almost every day with are an alien, a time traveller and an Esper. Oh, and one person in particular who is either a god, the potential for auto-evolution, a time anomaly, or, most likely, all of the above.

Don't look at me like that. I gave up sanity an age ago. You should try it. It's more interesting.

Nonetheless, in spite of all the fun experiences I have had in the past year, I still go into them with a sense of alarm. Maybe it's because I'm foreseeing the end of the world, perpetual torture or painful tragedies.

But, more likely, it's because of that smile I see almost every day, that smile which you know just spells doom, and the one currently beaming across at me from the seat by the window.

"Yo."

"Kyon – I've had a brilliant idea."

Here goes nothing.

* * *

**THE CURIOSITY OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA I  
**

By Blazing Chaos

* * *

I hope you're still keeping up, because I'm not going over everything again. I'm sure you can simply wait until the mental asylum publishes a book on my life.

As it turned out, Haruhi's idea was one of the rather smaller ones. That doesn't mean it wasn't a problem though, or, indeed, all that small – just, it wasn't as small as looping two weeks of summer endlessly or nearly giving everyone on Earth supernatural powers. At least we could stay in the clubroom this time round – it's too cold and dark outside now that it's fall again.

For the first time in a decade, we, or rather, I, were to do something with the website, the access counter for which hadn't increased since the computer club had been checking to ensure we were using what was still technically _their_ PC. My ideas of putting up a school 'help' board to make it marginally easier to post any supernatural experiences anyone had fallen on deaf ears, namely Haruhi's.

Oh well. If there's ever a supernatural problem, well, anywhere, we would inevitably run into it sooner rather than later.

What about Haruhi's brilliant idea? What was it?

"To improve the website."

"How exactly?" I asked her. Of course, I wasn't too surprised when she told me that…

"I haven't planned that far – we need to brainstorm ideas."

Hence she, or rather, her secretary, Mikuru, had written 'brilliant ideas' on the centre of the whiteboard. I'm still not sure where she got that from. By which I of course mean I'm still not sure which club she 'borrowed' that from.

"Edison didn't invent the television straight away; he needed to work at it."

In fact, Edison didn't invent the television at all.

"Stop dwelling on specifics."

Of course, with Haruhi, contributing to whatever ideas she is coming up with in any way never gets praise. Not if your name is…

"Kyon, suggest something."

What, so I'm meant to just come up with something out of nothing? Oh, and Kyon – that's my nickname. I don't think Haruhi even knows my real name. Heck, I'd be surprised if my parents know. Even Okabe, my home room tutor, calls me it on the class register.

"Didn't you hear what I just said?"

"Maybe you could suggest ideas of what encounters you are looking for?"

"That's brilliant Itsuki – 400 points!"

I have no idea what the points are for, other than that Itsuki always gets them and I want them. I have no idea why – this place drives you insane like that. And what happened to brainstorming anyway? Aren't we meant to suggest a bunch of ideas and then choose the best?

"Thank you, you're very generous."

Kiss-arse.

What I had thought would be a nice simple task led instead to a very long evening at the clubroom, listening to Haruhi reel off an endless list of paranormal experiences over my shoulder which I diligently added to the computer. It was far from the relaxing cups of tea I was hoping for.

"And Sixth Sense-like experiences, and…"

In fact, Haruhi insisted on no tea, and when I eventually refused to work unless I got a cup, she made me drink it in five seconds. My throat is still sore.

"Haruhi, do you really think anyone will ever read all of this?"

And, what's more, why couldn't she just do it alone? Why did she have to waste both our lives with making this? She would've got it done faster if she just typed them all straight onto the website.

"If they are having a paranormal experience, they'll want to see if we cover it. When something like that happens, you forget everything else until you work out what's going on."

Apparently, Haruhi doesn't believe in people having anything better to do. Then again, if you saw Asahina playing chess with Itsuki (and losing) with Nagato reading as silently as ever, you would be certain she had found the right group of people for her beliefs.

So why was it always me who had to be doing these things? I have more of a life than anyone else here. Okay, I don't, but I would have one.

Itsuki glanced up, flashing his usual smile. Damn happy bastard. Why doesn't he ever offer to help?

"Hey Kyon, do you think that's everything?"

I'm sure as hell not checking.

"That's not the right attitude – print that list off and review it for homework."

Speaking of which, I have a mountain of homework. She does too, in fact. So why does she always get it in on time and perfect while mine is late, messy and wrong? Whatever stat points she has, I want some of them.

"There'll be a test."

Anyone else would be joking.

"Why would anyone joke about such a serious matter? We have to defend the future of the club."

From whom?

"Show me the whole page now."

I sighed, scrolling up through the huge list. You know what I said just now about enjoying my life because it's interesting? Yeah, I was lying. Blame it on tiredness. Just like I will be tomorrow if I don't get home sometime soon and start my homework!

"Aw…it's still really dull. Kyon, your work didn't change anything – that's not good enough."

I did exactly what you told me to do!

"I wanted Web 2.0. We need interaction – the dot com bubble is over!"

I suggested that three hours ago with my message board idea.

"No you didn't."

I did.

"Hey Koizumi, did I or didn't I suggest a board like that?"

Big mistake.

"I'm afraid I don't remember that at all."

"But…it's on the board, right?"

Or…not.

"I don't see it – don't lie Kyon."

It's not my fault you completely ignored my idea and didn't write it.

"Are you calling Mikuru a bad secretary?"

Why do I feel I'm just going in endless circles here? Not again…

"Kyon, do you mind?"

Not again…

_Another_ Itsuki talk. These always leave my self-esteem, sense of scale and hope for humanity in tatters. This time, he pulled me out and a fair way down the corridor out of earshot of Haruhi, the same girl who glared at me endlessly on the way out and said I better not be slacking off. Just what does she want? I did everything she asked for.

"Miss Suzumiya wants something to happen.

"No surprise there then."

Itsuki smiled again. I thought it would grow on me, but it just reminds me of how much he follows every word Haruhi says without question, for fear offending her could mean his Organisation would be wiped from the face of the Earth.

"Yes, but I'm sure you've noticed the last few weeks have been particularly quiet."

Best few weeks of my life.

"The nights are drawing in so there's less to do in the evenings – surely she understands that?"

It was already twilight outside, and getting darker every time I looked out. This time of year was so depressing.

"True, and I don't believe that Suzumiya would intentionally want anything in particular to happen."

The same way she did last year, you mean? When the summer continued way past the athletics games and a long way into the fall?

"But I think it's worth us being on our guard, and encouraging her when she comes up with good ideas like this."

How about you just say that you don't want me to always complain when she suggests stupid ideas? In fact, this one was your idea.

"My apologies – I simply wish to ensure Suzumiya stays content. Don't you agree?"

Yeah, but I hate doing so.

Oddly, when we returned, Haruhi seemed pretty angry at us. And when I say us, I mean me.

"What were you talking about?"

And now the daily ritual of excuses. "None of your business." Scratch that, I wasn't in the mood for making up anything for Haruhi's sake right now. I just want to go home, do my homework and go to bed.

Let's be honest, I want to go home and go to bed. It's been a long day though – haven't you had one too? You were the one narrating all the paranormal experiences.

Haruhi snorted. "That's no way to talk to your brigade chief. Apologise."

I was about to retort, before I caught the slightest nod and gesture from Itsuki, safely behind Haruhi and escaping the endless inquisition.

"Fine…sorry."

"And now tell me what you talked about. Information is crucial to the success of this operation."

Obviously, Haruhi didn't know, but she had actually stumbled across the one thing she should have been investigating all that time. Naturally, I sure as hell wasn't going to risk telling her.

"Just…guy stuff."

"Like what?"

On anyone else that excuse would've worked. "You wouldn't be interested."

"You're hiding something."

Oh, you don't know the half of it. And the universe is glad.

"Don't be so suspicious."

"If we're going to find aliens, time travellers and Espers, we _have_ to be suspicious of anyone and everyone. They could be right under our noses…"

You'd think I would be worried, wouldn't you? Haruhi's suspicious eye movements would've unnerved anyone else, and certainly made Asahina squirm slightly. But, of course, I know that Haruhi wouldn't believe us even if we did tell her. In fact, I did, and she didn't believe me. Of course, she might believe Itsuki, but I knew he would never tell. So, as long as the three of them kept their powers hidden, we would be perfectly safe.

"Right, that's it for today."

Thank goodness.

"Kyon, stay here and learn that list."

Like hell I will.

"Or there'll be a penalty."

I'm not sure which is worse, the elusive concept of Haruhi's death penalty threat, or the endless drain on my wallet of buying lunch for everyone.

"Come on Mikuru, time to change you!"

Acting on highly-trained instincts, I was outside the clubroom before I could even know what I was doing, Itsuki already next to me and Nagato a mile away along the hallway, book held in hand. I wanted to say bye to her, but I had learnt it wasn't a big loss if I didn't. She never replied.

Waving to Itsuki, I began to follow Yuki down the hallway.

"Aren't you staying?"

"I'm not going to stay just to learn some silly list."

Itsuki nodded. "Don't forget what we talked about."

I remember. I'm just ignoring it.

"So she's mad for a moment. She wouldn't end the world over me."

Itsuki smiled again. God I hate that. "I see. Have a nice evening."

I wanted to make a proud exit, fresh from escaping Haruhi's clutches, but instead I scurried away like the coward I am. She'll have forgotten about it all by the morning. Anyhow, Itsuki can't deny this all made this evening pretty interesting.

Besides, if he really wanted to satisfy her endless desire for the supernatural, he could've just got his buddies at the Organisation to set up something in a flash.

Unfortunately, my jacket did nothing to make up for the bitter cold evening on the way home. I normally enjoy my walks home since they're downhill, but when the weather's like this it's not fun at all. By the time I reached home, I was like an icicle, something my little sister insisted on telling me when she ran up and hugged me.

"Mom said to reheat your dinner in the microwave."

Great.

After a not-so-satisfying dinner and a poor attempt at homework, I left the last two dozen questions and went to bed. When it comes to the choice between getting Okabe mad and getting Haruhi mad, I'd take my tutor any day. At least he can't end the world.

Then again, Haruhi ignores almost everything I say, so I shouldn't really be worried about anything like that.

It's what I _didn't_ say that I should be worried about.

* * *

**A/N: **Heh, no clear sign of the plot yet but it's definitely in there, trust me. All will be revealed.

I'd like to say that this move into Haruhi fanfiction as well as Digimon should come as a surprise to my readers, but, of course, I know that such isn't the case. That is, if you've been paying any attention whatsoever to Dimensions lately.

Anyhow, hope this is up to my usual standard, and fits the style of the show well. I've got a lot of great (hopefully) ideas for this story which I drilled out in an evening of planning, and it will be a nice way to use my Haruhi-obsessing energies.

Until next time…

B.C.


	2. The Curiosity of Haruhi Suzumiya II

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, but I do own the original characters introduced in this story and my other stories (except where stated otherwise here or elsewhere by myself). The exceptions are Oruki and Naru Suzumiya, ~Haruhi's parents, who JonBob0008 has given permission for use of.**

**A/N: **Cheers again go to Crazyeight for beta-reading. Oh, and, I suggest you watch the whole of the anime (okay, you can skip out bits of Endless Eight) so far before reading this to avoid spoilers. I haven't read the remainder of the books though, so there's no obligation for that.

* * *

I love these times, early in the morning. Even if you do wake up at some ungodly early hour, you can simply doze around in a state of fantastic bliss until your sister runs in and jumps on you. That's just me, of course, although, oddly, this morning she was being a bit more polite.

A 'bit' is the key word there of course. She was knocking on my door, very loudly and very hard.

Now, if I was a bit more awake, I would've probably asked myself how an eleven year old could thump so hard, or, why an eleven year old would knock in the first place.

Give me a break. It was only…six-forty. Earlier than usual.

Oh, no, wait, that's a seven. I'm dead.

"Get up and stop being so lazy!"

The door had swung open, and apparently my sister had taken on a rather deeper voice. Or, alternatively, the man now gruffly heading downstairs wasn't her. Or my dad either, unless he had been drinking a lot last night. The door slammed again, far more than my sister ever could do, and the sound jarred me awake.

But, of course, my mind was still a bit too frazzled as I clambered out of bed. I should've been perturbed that the wall had changed sides in the night, but, fresh from pleasant dreams (a rarity for me), I just turned over and got out the other side.

My mind swam as I stood up, but it wasn't unusual. My blurry eyes were quickly solved by a wipe, and as I staggered across the room, I somehow managed not to notice anything was amiss until I placed my hand on the door handle.

Doesn't our house have door-handles?

Blinking groggily, I turned around, and it was then that I realised something else was definitely off.

"Who took my room?"

I'm glad no-one was around to hear that. Worse still, my voice sounded like it hadn't broken yet. I must have had an awful night's sleep.

Wandering across the room, I stared at the walls, far more full than anything I've ever had. Posters of sci-fi movies, random drawings and writings, and a tall mirror at the end, one of those with wavy sides that I wouldn't have picked in a million years.

Stepping in front of it, it became pretty clear why this room seemed bizarre, yet oddly familiar. Not for having seen it before, I mean, but having seen a lot that was similar.

For there, staring straight at me were none other than the brown eyes of one Miss Haruhi Suzumiya.

* * *

**THE CURIOSITY OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA II  
**

By Blazing Chaos

* * *

"You're kidding."

I did a double take, both at how my words sounded and at the sight before me. Haruhi in the mirror copied me. Or I copied her. Whatever.

"What the hell?"

Looking down, I found it wasn't just a trick mirror. Hair fell past the side of my face, loose and unkempt, while I finally took notice of a distinctly heavier feeling about the chest and the fact my eye-line was suddenly a lot lower down than normal.

"Okay, this is some…messed up dream."

Unlike most people, that was just an option in my case. Maybe this was the work of Itsuki's Organisation to get revenge for how I ignored him last night. Or maybe it was just Nagato modifying my data or whatever she calls it.

I was being naïve, of course. This was unequivocally and undoubtedly the work of Suzumiya.

_Or_ a dream. Please let it be a dream. For once, let it _actually_ be a dream!

"Haruhi, breakfast! Hurry up!"

Just who was that gruff voice anyhow? Was it her father? I'd never actually met Haruhi's parents _or_ been to her house, so I had no way of knowing if this is accurate or if I'm just dreaming it up. I would say it's too realistic for a dream, but even my real life isn't all that realistic nowadays.

I looked down again, as I think my mind woke up enough to realise just how uncomfortable this situation was. I was in the body of Haruhi. No, wait, maybe I am Haruhi. But that's impossible. So impossible!

I'm afraid to even scratch my own arse for fear that I'm somehow crossing a line. Then again, it is _my _arse. And I wouldn't normally have any…

"HARUHI!"

"Coming!"

Rushing out the door for fear that whatever the voice was coming from would, well, kill me (it sounded pretty dangerous, after all), I headed down the stairs as quickly as I could, but I found myself completely unable to miss out as many steps as I normally would in a hurry. I haven't been this short for years.

You know, I probably should've paid more attention to where that voice came from, instead of now having to wait for him to shout again just to find out where the kitchen, or dining room, or whatever is.

Haruhi's house – if it is Haruhi's house – for all I've seen of it so far while half asleep and very confused, reminds me a bit of my own. It seems all very homely and normal, even if it does seem to be filled wall to wall with various knick-knacks made of wood or looking straight out of the school's occult club. Did Haruhi get them?

"Haruhi, dear. Breakfast is ready."

I was so glad to not hear that gruff voice again, only angrier. This new one seemed light, female, airy, optimistic, and hauntingly like Haruhi's. Was this her mother?

I didn't yet want to put down the idea that this was a dream, but it seemed less and less so with everything that happened.

"Okay."

Even with the voice to guide me, I still went through the wrong door in Haruhi's living room. It was just like the rest of what I'd seen, actually – full of random items, only in this case with the addition of a television and a couch.

The kitchen turned out to be at the back of the house, and as I entered the optimistic voice from before greeted me. "Good morning Haruhi! You're up late today, are you feeling well?"

I blinked; looking over the woman who I was now pretty sure was Haruhi's mother. Her smile matched her voice, warm and calm, and looking almost unbreakable as she took some bowls in the table and put them the sink. I couldn't quite place the hair at first, but the style looked pretty familiar.

"I'm…okay." I couldn't have been lying more if I tried. I wasn't okay. I definitely was _not_ okay. You know yesterday, when I said that everything was a pain? I'd rather go back there than this.

A newspaper ruffled, as my eyes shifted to the man behind it at the breakfast table. For his voice, he looked surprisingly young, although that was probably thanks to the fact he was well-built, probably thanks to a lot of exercise. In fact, both of them seemed pretty young. Were they really my parents?

I mean, were they really Haruhi's parents?

He looked to me, rather less happily than his wife. "What's wrong? You never wake up late. Are you trying to skip school again?"

She has before? Oh, wait…I remember. "No?"

"No?"

"I mean, no, I'm not."

"Hurry up and have your breakfast already then."

"Oruki, maybe Haruhi's not feeling well."

Finally. Someone sympathises. I think I could grow to like Haruhi's mother. Not like that.

Oruki looked me in the eyes. He didn't seem to share his wife's sympathy. "You can move about, right? Then you're perfectly well."

I'm starting to understand why Haruhi thinks I can withstand all the torture she puts me through.

"If you feel too bad at school, just go to the nurse's office and we'll come pick you up," his wife said happily, smiling. "We can't have our little Haruhi feeling under the weather."

I wish she had inherited more from her mother.

"Thanks."

She continued to smile, one of those closed-eyes smiles which Itsuki has an annoying habit of doing, as she placed a bowl of cornflakes in front of me. I found myself raising a spoonful to my eyes, and staring at them like she had just dropped a bowl of spinach in front of me.

In case you're wondering, I don't like cornflakes. But, that smile would make me do anything. Here's betting it does nothing for Haruhi.

I struggled through the spoonfuls, making sure to smile whenever Haruhi's mother looked in my direction. Apparently I didn't get Haruhi's taste buds as part of all this. In fact, just how _does_ this work? If I'm Haruhi now, why do I have my own thoughts still, and why can't I find any of her memories? No, wait, _how_ am I her? This is just…impossible.

If Haruhi wished for this…why? Why on earth would she want this? Is she trying to teach me a lesson?

If she's not God, then I'd like to speak to the real God that gave her those powers. Infallibility my arse.

Once I finished the bowl, probably in three times as long as it would've taken Suzumiya herself, I hit upon a rather curious thought. If I'm Haruhi now…and _she_ has the power to change reality to suit _her _wishes, then maybe _I _have the power to change reality to suit _my_ wishes.

But how would I find out? How would I test it?

I always remember all those psychics who would bend spoons with their mind, and they were always on television. Haruhi probably loved watching them. I hated it – it was so obvious the spoons were weakened or something like that. But, right now, I was game to try anything to confirm my suspicions.

Holding the spoon upright, I stared at it intently, wanting it to bend.

It didn't, because in reality I don't want it to bend. It makes no sense for it to bend. Just how does Haruhi manage to simply believe all these things so easily? Is her common sense really _that_ dented?

"What on earth are you doing?"

There was that gruff voice again, Oruki Suzumiya. Was he always on Haruhi's case this much?

"Aw, you're trying to bend a spoon. Can I try?!"

Before I could really notice, Haruhi's mother had taken the spoon from my hand and was now holding it so close to her face I was pretty sure it was touching her nose. Is she trying to mock me?

There was no sign of it though. In fact, she looked more eager than anyone else I've ever seen before. Is she…insane? So that's what Haruhi inherited from her, other than the looks and…ah, that's where I remember the hair from. It's almost exactly like what Haruhi had when I first met her.

"Aw…"

The first frown I've ever seen on her face almost broke my heart to see. This is as bad as seeing Asahina depressed, although I doubt she would be so intent on bending a spoon with her mind.

Oruki seemed almost completely unfazed. "Go and get ready for school." He ordered.

I complied as quickly as I could, hearing a far more cheerful version of the man's words from his wife as I went. Just how did these two ever become a couple?

For a moment, I almost got lost again in the house, since at the top of the stairs I couldn't actually remember what room I was in. I opened every door to find out. Other than Haruhi's room, they had a spare room, a master bedroom, and a bathroom. I'll have to remember that last one for later.

Oh no. It's just occurred to me how interesting that will be. Did I say interesting? I meant…horrifying.

I found myself back in Haruhi's room again, for the first time in my right mind. Well, sort of.

"I wonder where she keeps her clothes."

I just realised that, not only would that sound very confusing if Haruhi's parents (or siblings, if she has any) were in earshot, but also that, if I _am_ going to be wearing Haruhi's clothes, then I am going to work out what on earth she would actually wear to school. And I'm not talking about the uniform.

I found the clock on the bedside table. Seven fifty-five. Now I normally set off for school about eight…okay, quarter past, so if I hurry I might not be late to class. In fact, why should I be worried? It's Haruhi who'll be late, and she has an almost spotless record. She can stand to be a few minutes over.

I better shower first though.

In the bathroom, which I found to be a bit smaller than mine at home, I found myself gulping in fear as I pulled off the loose pink pyjama top and bottoms. Haruhi would kill me. In fact, maybe Haruhi is still in me. Maybe she's now yelling at me. Maybe she can hear everything I'm thinking.

Crap. Shouldn't have just thought about all that God stuff, should I? If she didn't know before, she sure as hell would know now.

If you're wondering why I'm musing so much, it's because I'm trying to distract myself while in the shower from what I really want to look at. You can't blame a teenage boy trapped in a teenage girl's body, can you? I mean, in this position, honestly, wouldn't you?

I'm really hoping you agree with me, since otherwise I'm pretty sure your thoughts of me just hit the floor.

Anyway, as I dried myself off…or herself off…I tried to ignore the rather…uh…interesting movements in the chest and elsewhere. In fact, I tried to ignore a lot of things, not least the mirror. I really don't want to look at myself right now. I mean, it's not even me. It's her. And I can't look at her face like this without being a bit freaked out.

Did I say a bit? I meant a lot. A heck of a lot. I'm can't say I'm not used to things being unusual, but _this_ beats the lot of them.

It took me a while to realise that, for all I tried to dry it, Haruhi's hair wouldn't stop being damp. How do girls normally deal with this? I looked around, trying to see if there was a blow-dryer or anything nearby.

In the end, I had to wrap a towel round me, nervously shuffle out down the hallway back into Haruhi's room, search through all her drawers (and things I didn't want to see yet) find a dryer, plug it in, spend the next few minutes probably burning Haruhi's hair, and even then be irritated by how damp it still was.

I was beginning to understand why it was so unusual for Haruhi to be up so late.

Glancing to the clock, I found it was already past eight. So much for having lots of time. I really hope I can run like she does.

Opening the underwear drawer, I decided that if Haruhi were still in this mind, she would kill me once things were back to normal.

My mind, or her mind, or whatever, chose this moment to offer an unsettling alternative: _if_ they were ever back to normal.

Although I have to say, I can't think of any other reason why I wouldn't want the status quo back. I like the status quo. I like being a guy. I like looking at queues outside the ladies' toilets, I'm glad I don't have to deal with _that_ every month, and I'm definitely glad I never have to learn what childbirth is like. Yes, I do enjoy being a guy. It's the way things are.

Having slipped onto my lower half a pair of panties, it quickly occurred to me that I had no idea how to fasten a bra, let alone behind my back.

Apparently someone else _doesn't_ like how the way things are.

Still, it seemed a bit sick and twisted for Haruhi to want this of all things: me, standing in her body in front of a mirror, desperately fighting time to change into her clothes. Even she wasn't this far from reality. Then again, she wasn't usually embarrassed by such things – only once had she ever told me to leave when she was changing, and that was the day when Haruhi had nearly ended the world.

Itsuki seemed pretty sure that it was my fault, and so did the other two. I am the 'chosen one', after all. Whatever that means. In all honesty, I'd say that, at least among us five, I am the most normal. No special powers, no organisations, and no obligation to stay. Apart from this whole 'chosen one' thing. Just what did they mean?

Did it have to do with three years ago?

Sighing, I shrugged off the events of that unusual day, the event that seemed to somehow have triggered everything even if to this day I was still not entirely sure why. When we met, Haruhi recognised me. Maybe that was why.

Once I finally managed to get on the school's sailor-like uniform for girls, I looked back in that mirror again. It didn't look entirely right – the hair wasn't done yet for starters, not that I had a clue how to do it – but it was haunting how much this was the same Suzumiya I saw every day.

I began to rummage through the drawers again, realising that what was now missing were those two yellow bows she always wears. I was surprised what lengths I was going to with getting things spot on, but then again, I don't want people asking questions until I know what's going on myself.

I found the bows as hard to tie up as the bra, and I couldn't stop staring at the minutes counting away. I wasted even more time trying to find her bag and books, and almost forgot the maths homework sitting on the desk. I tried not to look – I didn't want to know just how many questions I managed to get wrong.

The cell phone on the top was the last thing I picked up on the way out, glancing briefly to the time. **08:15**. I rushed through brushing her teeth, grabbed my lunch from her still-optimistic mother (bent spoon in hand, although I suspected Oruki's involvement in it) and only realised on the way out that I'd forgotten deodorant, makeup, and probably a billion other things. Haruhi will kill me.

I got to the end of Haruhi's road before I realised that I had no idea where she lived, and only ten minutes until homeroom started. Damn it.

The school's on a hill, so you think it'd be easy to find. Only problem was, all I could see around was houses. Just how was I meant to find this place? It could've been close, or I could've been so far from it that I didn't stand a chance.

I ran down the nearest road, pleasantly surprised that it practically flew by – thank god for Haruhi's legs. This might not be all that bad.

At the end, I looked up and down the roads. Did any of them lead upwards? Was there any way to tell? The hill had to be somewhere, right? Haruhi couldn't live _that_ far from the school, or she'd have gone to another High School.

But then again, Haruhi transferred into my school on purpose, at least, that's what I think happened. I told her I was a North High pupil before. If I know Haruhi, she would've crossed the whole city to get to that place. Would certainly explain why _I_ had to look after Shimasen when we were filming last year. And why she's so athletic. I felt like I should've been gasping for breath by now.

It was then that I saw a familiar face coming the other way up the road, one I found myself for the first time truly glad to see. As I ran over to him, I could see the look of confusion in his eyes, and only then did it occur to me that the last thing Kunikida was expecting to see at this time in the morning was a badly-dressed Haruhi Suzumiya with no makeup and damp hair running up to him.

"Hey." I couldn't help myself, even though I knew that the pair of them had probably never actually said a word to each other. It was Taniguchi who was at Haruhi's old school – Kunikida went to mine.

"Uh…hi Suzumiya."

The poor boy looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I would've been if I were him, meeting the infamous Suzumiya in person. She was not the sort of person you'd ask for an autograph from.

"Listen, I was wondering…"

Come on, think of something. There has to be some reason I can ask him where the school is. Think, dammit, think Kyon.

Wait…think Kyon? That's it!

"Do you know which way Kyon goes to school?" That doesn't sound Haruhi-like at all. What would she say? And why would she be looking for him…I mean…me? "He has been given the responsibility of keeping one of the Brigade's most valued possessions safe overnight, and as Brigade Chief I want to administer the death penalty if he hasn't."

Job done. Phew.

"Oh, okay. I'm not too sure which way he goes, but he comes up the hill on the side of the school so you'll want to head there and double back." Thankfully, in saying this, Kunikida subconsciously gestured which way he was heading, off down a side road. I'm so glad now I didn't just head in a straight line from where he was walking.

"Thanks."

As I set off at Haruhi's breakneck pace yet again, I could imagine just how confused he looked right now. At least it meant I wasn't too far from the school – Kunikida was rarely late, and he didn't seem in too much of a hurry to get there.

Even so, it took me the better part of ten minutes to climb up yet another hill, one which I have the nagging suspicion is steeper than mine. God hates me, I'm sure of it.

It felt strange to approach the school from the other direction, and it didn't help that I nearly got lost again. Let's just hope this is like the movies and it only recurs…once. I don't think my sanity could survive anything else.

Once I arrived, I couldn't see any sign of Kyon. I mean, me. Heck, maybe Haruhi is still in this body after all? I'm so glad I don't have to hear whatever lecture she has probably come up with about why I'm no good at being her. You know, it may have been a mistake to think that.

If I'm not here though, and I normally do arrive this late, then maybe…maybe the worst happened…

As I gulped, I decided to quickly check around the lockers, especially Miss Asahina's. I don't think I'm awake enough to hear one of Koizumi's lectures about whatever I did wrong this time. And I'm definitely not smart enough to decipher Nagato right now.

Nothing. Nothing at all. I don't even know where Haruhi's is. Maybe I should try my own…

It was too late, as the bell went. It doesn't matter – I don't have my key anyhow, so looks like I'm stuck dragging Haruhi's books around all day. I decided to head up to class. At least Haruhi didn't seem to talk to anyone on the way to school – I didn't have to worry about sounding like her all the time.

Still, I really don't think I could've made it here if it weren't for Haruhi's freakish speed. Only Nagato beat her lap time in the relay this year. I wonder why Haruhi's never called her out on that. She's probably too fixated on the SOS Brigade winning at any cost. I would say I admire her determination, but right now I'm starting to get very worried about what I'm about to find in class.

Will she be there? No, wait, that'd be impossible. I am her. And she wasn't at her house. So what…?

Oh no! Please don't tell me…

Sliding back the door to our homeroom, I finally realised what had evaded me all morning, something now sitting in the seat second from the back by the window.

It was a haunting and unnerving sight, one which I was sure would last with me for the rest of my days.

"Kyon!"

Me.

Only thing is, I've never smiled that much in the morning. Or shaped my hair like that. And I've definitely never looked that eagerly at anyone coming in the door. Or shouted (my own name!) anywhere near that optimistically or loudly to them…

"You're here!"

She didn't even seem shocked to see me like this…like her. Damn it, why am I always the last one to work things like this out? And how can she just brush this off so easily?

"You'll never guess what happened!" She slammed her hands down on the desk with an even wider smile. I had to rush over to her…err…him, before he gave the game away, falling down into her usual seat as quickly as I could.

The face stared over at me.

If I was Haruhi…then…

"I'm you!"

Good grief!

* * *

**A/N: **Hehe, this ending was hopefully predictable enough that you had a foreboding feeling it was coming, but still surprising enough that it actually played out. Next time, we'll find out Haruhi's views on all this, as if the last few lines aren't enough of an indication! But, first of all, I want to get another Book Seven chapter done (it's already five and a half thousand words), and then I'll add on to this. Hope you enjoyed this, and I hope you're looking forward to next time too. Oh, and apologies for the continuing bugs with this site and this story – I haven't yet worked out what the problem is I'm afraid.

Oh, and also, Haruhi's parents (Oruki and Naru) from Meet the Suzumiyas are used with permission from the author, JonBob0008. Hope I characterised them well.

Until next time…

B.C.


	3. The Curiosity of Haruhi Suzumiya III

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, but I do own the original characters introduced in this story and my other stories (except where stated otherwise here or elsewhere by myself). The exceptions are Oruki and Naru, Haruhi's parents, who JonBob0008 has given permission for use of.**

**A/N: **Cheers again go to Crazyeight for beta-reading.

* * *

"Isn't this brilliant?"

No. Most people would be surprised to wake up in the body of one of their classmates. I sure am.

But then again, Haruhi isn't 'most people'.

"What are you talking about? Why wouldn't anyone be amazed by this?"

I still couldn't get her real voice out of my head as I heard those words from her voice…I mean…my voice…his voice…you know what I mean. Look, let's just call this guy…uh…Kyon-Haruhi. And then I'm Haruhi-Kyon. Understand?

Good, because I definitely don't. My head aches just thinking about it.

"Geez, cheer up already. This is amazing."

Yes. I get the idea. It's amazing. It's brilliant. Get a thesaurus already. "Aren't you even a little worried about all this?"

"Why would I be? Whatever's going on, I'm sure it'll only last so long, so there's no time to waste."

"I'm hoping it only lasts so long too. I want my own body back." I don't trust you with it.

"I won't harm it."

I just want it back, okay? Haruhi, I'm sure you did this…come on, just fix things. Please! This is a step too far.

"Why are you staring at me like that? What are you thinking about?"

"Uh…nothing."

"This is the most interesting thing that's ever happened. Maybe it's aliens trying to experiment on us? Maybe they don't understand what genders are? We have to find them and correct their mistakes!"

"Haruhi, doesn't anything about this strike you as…wrong?"

"Well, only that moron Taniguchi. I told him where to go."

Great. Thanks Haruhi. He'll have another reason to mock me.

"You know, I thought you'd be a lot happier about this – stuck in the body of a pretty girl."

Seeing me raise my eyebrows like that was just…wrong. This isn't exactly how I wanted to see my first naked girl, you know?

In fact, never mind. You've never cared too much about privacy, after all.

I shuddered at the thought. I really hope she doesn't pull the same trick, or worse, now she's in my body. I'd never be able to live that down. Taniguchi would have even more reason to poke fun.

I noticed that I…uh…Haruhi…was looking strangely irritated.

What did I say this time? Nothing, to tell the truth. I realised that anything else I said would only be used against me. Surely I couldn't have messed up? This universe can't be that bad.

Haruhi, as me, stared out the window melancholically as Okabe began homeroom. So much for speaking to me.

What did I say?

* * *

**THE CURIOSITY OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA III**

By Blazing Chaos

* * *

All 'Kyon' seemed to do for the rest of the morning was gaze out the window endlessly, only occasionally breaking it to nudge me with a pen and remind me how fantastic this all was. I didn't even see him write with the pen, but with the amount of work he managed to get done, I'm pretty sure Haruhi hasn't lost any of her intelligence in all this.

Actually, why am I complaining? He's doing my work for me, after all.

At lunch, I wasn't sure what to do. I'm pretty certain that Taniguchi and Kunikida would be surprised to have Haruhi sitting with them.

Still, I had the uneasy feeling that I needed the bathroom again, a feeling so familiar but so different too to what I'm used to. I almost went through the wrong door, not that half the guys in this school would complain. For all of her eccentricities, there's no denying that Haruhi's attractive, even if Taniguchi won't reveal her rating.

Wait…that means half the guys in this school now find me attractive. Oh man, that thought…

I really hope there's no-one in here. I need a moment to think without more crazy stuff happening. I barely get enough time for that in my own body.

Walking in, it still took me a moment to realise there weren't any urinals. See, I'm used to being a guy. I prefer being a guy. At least there isn't a queue for these loos though. In fact, they were empty. Looks like I got my wish. I'm definitely not complaining.

Hmm…wish? Could this have something to do with Haruhi's powers? Or is it a coincidence? How would I test them anyway? I don't believe in any of that Espers, aliens and time travellers stuff.

I mean…I _didn't_ believe in all of that stuff. Now I'm pretty certain of it.

Finishing up in the stall, I looked myself in the mirror for the millionth time. Sure enough, I still saw Haruhi staring back at me. I even felt a bit of fear, seeing her looking me right in the eyes like that. I remember how angry she was at me when I told her about my homework plans. Or when we were filming and I nearly…you know what, forget it. I'd rather forget all of that. One problem at a time.

Just what was I going to do? How long would I be like this? Why did Haruhi want this, anyhow? Was it really Haruhi doing this? I was beginning to have my doubts. She wanted Espers, aliens and time travellers – the supernatural. Why would she want this? Okay, it wasn't really 'natural', but this is a bit different to what she usually wants.

I kept staring in the mirror. I was glad the lack of makeup wasn't too noticeable, although I can't say I really know how to tell. Haruhi probably spent years learning how to put that on – how on earth am I meant to manage that without even knowing what she does?

I slammed my hand into my forehead. "Good grief." I'd gotten myself into another of Haruhi's games. Giants, baseball, graffiti, filming, an endless summer – I'd been through so much thanks to her. What if I hadn't joined this club? Not that I had a choice.

My life would be boring. Maybe. Right now, I think I'd prefer it. Of all the people she had to swap bodies with – she could've been Itsuki or Nagato and had amazing powers, or been Asahina and had amazing breasts. Either way, I'm sure she'd have had fun. So why me instead?

I found that I'd made a ponytail out of my hair while thinking with my creeping hand. Just what was going through my mind?

"Found you!"

I dropped the ponytail when I heard my own voice. 'Kyon' grinned so widely at me as he stormed in.

"How's the body?"

Okay, why am I the only one here who is freaked at all by this? Come on Haruhi, aren't you ever unnerved? Even when those giants were attacking, you still grinned. Heck, you were scared more by the empty school than by your death approaching you.

"You know that guys aren't allowed in the girls' bathroom. If anything, you should get out, hypocrite."

"How does that make any sense? I'm the one in the girl's body."

"I won't see anything here I haven't seen before – how can I trust a pervert like you in here with all these girls?"

Great, so when it comes to stripping Asahina down or taking your clothes off for PE, that's fine, but when it comes to going in the girls' bathroom when I'm actually a girl, that's wrong? Does Haruhi ever hear herself speak?

"But that doesn't make any difference – if some teacher finds me here…I mean…you here, I'll, I mean, you'll get expelled." And then I would be too once this all returned to normal.

"Ugh, you worry too much. This is the best thing that's ever happened!"

No. Screening the movie and not having food thrown at me was a good thing for me. Escaping a time loop was a better thing for me. And now you're claiming that this body swap is the best thing – forever and ever and ever and for everyone who's ever existed?

"Maybe I can finally learn what you guys are always talking about."

I'm guessing that's a yes. And what does she think we talk about? I don't think I've ever had a really secret and interesting conversation with a guy – except maybe with Itsuki. No, I'm much more interested in what girls talk about behind our backs. Unfortunately, whatever god made this situation, Haruhi or not, decided to stick me in the one girl who _never_ has such conversations. Damn.

"I don't know – maybe you talk about which girl you think is hottest?"

"No – that's just Taniguchi." I'm not sure what he rates you. You probably have your own scale.

"Ugh, I wouldn't want to be on any scale of that freak."

So why did you date him then? On second thoughts, better not ask – I'm pretty sure the answer will just be "to see if he's not an ordinary human, of course."

"To see if he's not an ordinary human, of course."

"So it took you five minutes to work that out?" If aliens or time travellers or Espers were really coming to Earth for any real purpose, would they really send Taniguchi?

"No, it just took me five minutes to meet up with him for that date. God, he didn't even bring flowers or anything – talk about a lack of romance."

I'm reckoning you're the one who gave him five minutes to meet up. He asked you out over the phone, right? You try buying flowers that fast. You know, actually, forget that. I really shouldn't be sticking up for Taniguchi given how much he rambles on at me every morning about the wonderful girls he's either meeting later or never going to meet while stuck at North High. Oh, and he has this strange idea that we're in a relationship.

"Uh-huh."

'Kyon' tilted his head at me.

"Hmm…you're still not happy about this?"

You win 500 points for an obvious comment.

"No I don't – you can't give out points. I'm the Brigade Chief, remember?"

And yet somehow I doubt that people will believe you if you…oh who am I kidding, Itsuki will just fall at your feet like normal. By which I mean my feet. That's quite creepy really.

I groaned. "I wouldn't want this to happen in a million years."

'Kyon' frowned like I'd just knocked down her house of cards, a frown that preceded anger. "Yeah, well, I remember the last time you said something like that!"

Uh…what?

"Yeah – when we were in the school and those huge blue…oh…wait…that was a dream." She sounded so sad about it too. I mean, he did. 'Kyon' did. "I hate those déjà-vu moments – just who's planting them?"

You are. At least, you were, once. Seriously, I find it amazing you of all people don't remember. Always the eye of the storm.

'Kyon' put his hands on his hips. Looks like I just burst her bubble somewhat. Frowning, he stepped forward. "Come here – my hair looks ridiculous."

"Huh?"

"You're the girl – you move."

Correction. You're Haruhi, you always get your way. Like the spineless blob I am, in my own body or not, I stepped forward, feeling a great unease as my own hands were run across my face and past my neck.

"Haven't you ever done your hair before?"

"No – I don't have to worry about it. I'm a guy…normally."

"Really? I had to put gel in this morning to get it right – it was all awful when I got out the shower."

I'm trying to resist the mental image of Haruhi controlling my body in the shower. Would she be more or less prudish than me? Of all girls, she's the hardest to guess.

"You just need to dry it off – it settles."

"Yeah, but it doesn't do you any favours."

Given that pretty much every girl I know is either unusual or is too scared by my association with you to even look at me in class, I doubt somehow that I need to worry about it. I'm not exactly the most popular guy in school, but I'm not unpopular, and I'm not about to mess around with my hair for hours on end just in the hope it'll make some random girl in the corridor look at me differently one day.

Of course, I didn't exactly say that to Haruhi, but I think she got the gist.

"Fine…fine…" She had paused with her…uh…'Kyon's' hands on my…err…'Haruhi's' shoulders, looking into my eyes. "You shouldn't be caring about random girls anyway – you should be putting 110% into the SOS Brigade. It depends on you for menial chores.

As much as she admits my purpose in the brigade, I somehow doubt she would change it. Yes, looks like I'm stuck as a slave forever.

"Fine."

"Wow, I didn't expect to walk in on this in the bathroom, nyoro~!"

That speech mannerisms. That long tail of greenish blue hair which distinctly reminded me of Suzumiya's when we first met. It could be only one person. Tsuruya.

Now, if you're wondering what she was talking about, you really haven't been paying attention. 'Kyon' was standing there with his hands on my, 'Haruhi's', shoulders, and staring into her eyes. In the girl's bathroom. In the girl's _empty_ bathroom.

Looks like whatever 'Haruhi Power' I had to influence that, it's gone now.

'Kyon' shuffled back before I could notice, while I just stood there, probably looking stupid and galled by it all. Why was I anyhow? Tsuruya was just labouring under a misconception, that's all. Only problem is, with my school I haven't had much luck with dealing with 'misconceptions'.

At least Taniguchi didn't force me to explain things. I have so much to thank his idiocy for.

"We were talking about…" I began to explain.

"So, Kyon, liking the girl's bathroom? You're a megas naughty boy, aren't ya?"

There was something so strange about watching this situation from afar, being the girl in this case as a beaming Tsuruya who quickly descended into an unexpected bout of laughter. You know what, this is Tsuruya we're talking about – forget the 'unexpected part'.

I noticed 'Kyon' look across to me apprehensively. What did he expect me to say? I was perfectly fine until Haruhi decided to break down the gender rules.

"Now come on Kyon, before Haruhi gets you in any more trouble," Tsuruya said, giggling as she placed her hands on my…uh…'Kyon's' back and, in spite of Haruhi's objections, escorted him from the room. "Sly devil, nyoro~!"

For once, I was glad. In spite of Tsuruya now winking at me, and the fact that this event would probably become common knowledge in the school very quickly (furthering the theory that Haruhi and I was 'up to something'), I was glad she had given me a break. I couldn't spend my whole day with her following me everywhere – I need a chance to really think.

Damn my big mouth…uh…mind.

'Kyon' broke back into the toilets, Tsuruya actually looking surprised until 'he' grabbed my arm and dragged me back outside. I didn't bother to object – Haruhi wouldn't have listened, and Tsuruya was too busy giggling again. Just what makes that girl so easily tickled?

So here we are again. Even with us switched, at the end of the day it's still Haruhi dragging me down the hallway.

"Haruhi…"

"It's Kyon."

What, so she's taking my name now?!

"Duh! Everyone will find out otherwise. We have to keep this all secret.

Great, so now I'm not allowed to tell anyone? And why not? About the only way I'm going to solve this is with Nagato's help. Or one of Itsuki's crackpot theories. Or, at a stretch, a trip into the past courtesy of one Mikuru Asahina.

"I don't think people mind when it's you dragging me." Bastards. "But right now I don't think this looks right."

"What do you mean?"

"People will just see a guy dragging a girl down the hallway and get the wrong idea."

Why did I say that? Two seconds later, 'Kyon' had dropped my hand, letting me tumble to the floor and only just catch myself thanks to 'Haruhi's' vastly superior sense of balance. Crossing his arms, 'Kyon' glared down at me, a frighteningly close approximation to the glare Haruhi would always normally wear when angered. Usually at me.

"You're ruining this Kyon. I've wanted something to happen for so long."

Again, why would you want this? This isn't supernatural – it's just freaky.

"That's my job to decide! I'm the Brigade Chief, you're just a lowly grunt – I do the thinking around here."

But yesterday, weren't you asking me to think up ideas for the website?

"That's different."

I recovered myself and climbed to my feet. "How is that different?"

"Because I say so."

The logic of Haruhi Suzumiya in a nutshell.

Before I could object (if I even wanted to), he had already turned and stormed off. Good riddance. Now I might have some time to come to terms with this. She might even be pissed off enough that she returns things to normal. That'd be a relief. Maybe that's all I have to do – irritate her to the point where she doesn't want things like this anymore? That can't be too hard.

Unless…unless it's me who has control over this. Do I have her powers, or don't I?

I began to wander the hallways. It wasn't like I could go to class as usual – Haruhi never ate her lunch there, and I hardly wanted to raise anyone's suspicions. Not that anyone would suspect this, of course. Still, I was certain that, even wandering randomly, I wouldn't bump into 'Kyon'. Haruhi practically vanished every lunchtime.

Hmm…if she's angry and still has her powers, then Itsuki must be busy right now. I'll ask him later – it'd help explain a lot.

Only problem was…how would I get him apart from the others?

Oh yeah, I forget. I'm 'Haruhi'. Itsuki kisses my arse constantly. I just had to stop him realising that I wasn't actually Haruhi. At least until we talked. Then he could find out all he wanted to…

To anyone watching, they might have been surprised why Haruhi had just stopped at the top of the stairs. Then again, given who we're talking about here, they probably wouldn't have been. Why did I stop? Because I just realised exactly what my problem is right now.

Haruhi is me, 'Kyon'. And Itsuki talks to 'Kyon' about everything. Mikuru does too, and on the rare occasions she lets out more than a peep, Nagato does too. How the hell am I going to stop that happening?

I realised now there was no choice – it was imperative that I told them before Haruhi took advantage of the situation. She couldn't learn the truth – if she knew, and then things went back to normal, who knows what could happen? This is proof of the supernatural enough without her learning that it really has been on her doorstep all this time.

At least, from a person whose words she gives a damn about.

The only problem was – how could I even tell Itsuki? Sure, I could get aside from 'Kyon', but she might stop me - she doesn't want anyone to find out. Hold on, wait…

* * *

"Maybe I can finally learn what you guys are always talking about."

* * *

She didn't mean "guys". She meant us. Itsuki, Nagato, Asahina and I.

I felt the floor lurch, threatening to throw me down the stairs as the truth hit me hard. This was everything she wanted. She wanted to find out what we were talking about. In fact, our attempts to keep it from her had tempted the one person with the ability to find out to take advantage of it, albeit via the freakiest way possible. What could I do?

It wasn't like the others would listen to me like this either. They wouldn't even run the slightest risk that this 'Haruhi' is still actually Haruhi – not least Itsuki, he'd be worried the universe might explode or something.

But I had to try.

I spent the next few minutes wandering the corridors randomly. No luck. None of them were to be found, not even in their own classes, not even in the clubroom. Just where do they go? Just where do any of them go?

And so, with the bell ringing and a feeling of dread creeping up on me, I crawled back to class.

* * *

**A/N: **Hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was fun to write, not least because Tsuruya's a fun character to write for, Haruhi's enjoying this way too much, and Kyon is just coming to terms with what's at stake here. The question is – will he manage to tell the others before they accidentally blab to 'Kyon'?

Speaking of which – from now on, I'm going to call their bodies in quotes, like 'Haruhi' and 'Kyon', while their minds will be like normal. So it's Haruhi in 'Kyon', and 'Kyon' in Haruhi. Got that? Hope so, 'cause the biggest problem with a story like this is making it clear what on earth I'm talking about. Ah well.

Until next time…

B.C.


	4. The Curiosity of Haruhi Suzumiya IV

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, but I do own the original characters introduced in this story and my other stories (except where stated otherwise here or elsewhere by me). The exceptions are Oruki and Naru, Haruhi's parents, who JonBob0008 has given permission for use of.**

**A/N: **Cheers again go to Crazyeight for beta-reading.

* * *

Haruhi was still mad at me when we got back to lesson.

How could I tell?

'Kyon' didn't turn around once.

Sorry for ruining your fun Haruhi, but this is crossing a line. You switched our bodies! Can't you see how disturbing that is? Even if you don't realise you did it, surely you still find it at least a little off-putting?

Even when angry, 'he' still finished the trigonometry faster than I did. Damn it. Our teacher was joking with us, right? The explanations he had given were more basic than Nagato's usually were. Just how did 'Kyon' interpret them?

The sound of my own snoring from the desk in front didn't help either. This couldn't be helping my reputation with the teacher, even if finishing the questions straight away got 'me' out of class early.

I had to struggle through the remainder of the questions without having a clue what I was writing. When I asked for help, all I got was a hurried explanation about how it was something I'd done well the week before. That wasn't me, damn it.

When the bell rang, I sighed to my feet. Even the usual sight of Haruhi running out was gone. Instead, 'Kyon' had leapt at the opportunity to storm out in a huff. Why is she still mad at me?

Making my way to the clubroom, I got an uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach. Maybe I was just afraid of Haruhi still being mad at me? But, to be honest, it was all thanks to just one thing.

I could already be too late.

* * *

**THE CURIOSITY OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA IV**

By Blazing Chaos

* * *

When I got there, the squirming and screaming I heard from inside didn't help my stomach pain. What was going on? It sounded like Asahina. I normally don't go in when she's crying like that – it's usually just Haruhi forcibly changing her. But…I'm 'Haruhi'…so…

I opened the door, hoping to save Asahina from whatever was being done to her. Sure, it wouldn't count on my record, but if I explained things then…

Aw crap.

There was 'me', clinging onto Mikuru's uniform and dragging it up and off her as she grabbed it back, trying to avoid the horror. She already looked half-naked. Normally, I'd have run out the room by now, but, you see, there was something so horrifying to this scene.

As 'I' did it, 'I' grinned like a maniac. "Stop fighting it!"

"But…Kyon…ah…why…are…you?!" At least, I think that's what she said. It was hard to work out with all the crying and screaming.

"If you're already changed into the frog outfit when Haruhi gets here, I'll get loads of points!"

Great. Is this Haruhi's impression of me? Does she really think my sole ambition in life is to attain those worthless points?

Damn. How does she know that?

"Get this bra off!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! Kyon!!!"

"Stop it!"

"Huh?" Mikuru looked confused. I didn't blame her. This was the exact opposite of what normally happened. Now, I wouldn't say Mikuru is stupid, but…she's not the shiniest apple in the store either. The poor girl must be so scared.

Her saviour becomes her molest…oh, who am I kidding? I've never managed to save her from anything Haruhi does.

"Hey, Haruhi, join in! We can make this a threesome!"

I'd never say that out loud. Damn you Haruhi. Quit ruining my reputation.

Hold on…does she still think she's just unchanging Mikuru? What the hell goes through her mind? I _am_ her, and I still don't know. And why does she think I'm perverted?

I don't think my pause helped my case. "…absolutely not!"

"Fine." 'Kyon' continued to molest Asahina. What happened to her bad mood? Was this how she normally got rid of it?

As I went over and tried to prise 'Kyon' off, I noticed Nagato reading in the corner silently. She's like a blind fly on the wall. I wish she'd help once in a while though – neither she nor Koizumi ever think of helping me out with things like this.

This was more difficult than usual too. I think I underestimated how strong I normally am compared to Haruhi. Either that or she just knows how to use my own body better. Damn. She's better at being 'me' than…me.

Finally. Got her by the tie. I mean 'him'.

"Let go! You're pulling on my neck!"

"Leave 'Mikuru' alone."

"No, it's fun! You should try sometime!"

"I'm your Brigade Chief and what I say is final."

That did it.

'Kyon' started glaring at me. "You what?"

I couldn't have sounded as confident the second time round. "I said I'm your Brigade Chief."

'He' opened his mouth to object, but when 'he' saw Yuki and Mikuru he stopped. Looks like Haruhi doesn't want either of them finding out. But then again, she did just waltz in and start attacking Mikuru as normal. Does she understand the idea of not letting others know?

She's going to get me expelled, I can tell. Good grief…this is not going to end well.

"Fine…" Finally! I was so worried she would start arguing with me over it. My Haruhi impression isn't good enough to maintain this for too long. I need to talk to Mikuru and Koizumi, quick.

I'm pretty sure Nagato already knows. Maybe Asahina's superiors already told her? I would ask, but I'm pretty sure the answer would be "classified information", and with 'Kyon' here god knows how I would get her aside.

At least we were safe with me here too. She wouldn't say anything with 'Haruhi' around. Am I going to have to follow 'me' around all the time now?

"Are you alright?" Mikuru looked at me like I'd just said I'm secretly a penguin. Or like I said that Haruhi found out about herself. I'm not sure which she'd be more surprised by.

"I…I…"

She's so cute when she stutters. I placed my hand on her shoulder to help calm her down.

Big mistake.

"Aaah!"

One moment, I had a hand plastered across my face, and the next moment she was out the door in tears.

Poor girl. She must be so confused by all this. She probably thinks I'm going to take up 'Kyon's' suggestion. Looks like her superiors didn't tell her. Damn…how do I even begin to explain this?

"Well done Haruhi!"

Your impression of me is impeccable. I want to go out and help her…but…she just sees me as Haruhi. Damn it, I can't do anything to help. For once, I'm hoping Koizumi finds her. Speaking of which, where is he anyhow?

"Don't glare at me like that. You can't just walk in here and keep attacking her like that!"

"I was just changing her clothes. Geez, lighten up a little."

Haruhi stormed back to her usual seat by the computer, even with her new body. She was the one telling _me_ about being subtle, right? You might want to check – I doubt it a lot now. She pulled off another of her bizarre poses as she clicked around on the PC, only this time it was 'me' doing them. God this is confusing.

"The website's still crummy."

Whose fault is that? Ah, yeah, it's yours 'Kyon'.

Ah well. It's not like I can't have a little fun from adding insult to injury.

"Yeah – Kyon, fix it up and make it interesting. Stay here until it's done."

Turns out there's no power without enforcement. Haruhi just glared at me. "No…way. You get it done."

"It's your job as a brigade grunt to do anything the Chief wants, got that?"

I'm pushing it even more now. This is all going to collapse in a moment, I just know it.

"Fine…I'll make it brilliant then!"

I was half-expecting Nagato to pipe up at any moment, not that she ever would. For all her amazing strengths otherwise, Haruhi was a bad actor, at least when she wanted to do something out of character for her role. I could only imagine what it'd have been like if she were in the movie.

Well, apart from all those 'pan ups' that just happened to catch her in the frame. They don't count. For some reason only Haruhi understands.

I sat down in my normal seat. Nagato wouldn't ask, anyhow. I had nothing to be worried about. At least, until…

Koizumi turned up, waving in his normal way, albeit with an odd frown on his face that just spoke of trouble to whoever saw it. Did he already know? "Hey. Sorry about my lateness."

"Yo." 'Kyon' was so engrossed in the computer that he didn't even look up.

"Hey." I faked my optimism. This was Koizumi, and he was frowning. What was up?

He looked surprised too once he saw the pair of us in the exact opposite positions to normal. God only knew what he was thinking.

Shrugging, he smiled and stepped forward, going to the seat opposite 'Haruhi'. And, by 'Haruhi', of course, I mean me, resting on my palm with my elbow on the desk. This was so boring, and awful, and worrying. Was Mikuru okay? I imagined her, bawling her eyes out. Poor girl.

"Can't remember the last time you sat here."

"I know. It hurts my spine."

"What's Kyon doing on the computer?"

"I dunno."

"I'm working on the website." 'Kyon' didn't sound all that convincing. Wouldn't 'he' be clicking a lot more and paying a lot more attention if 'he' were? I spent an age going through the manuals when I made it, and they're really badly written.

"I see."

Actually, why has she got earphones on? I only just noticed. Damn it Haruhi, can't you ever stay focused on something?

I resisted the urge to face palm. I didn't want to blow my cover in front of Haruhi. I'd wait until I could get Koizumi alone, then explain how screwed up everything is.

Koizumi stood up, wandering over to the computer desk in his usual perfectionist manner.

At least he's rubbish at whispering. I could hear everything he said. If these are Haruhi's ears, does she hear us? Maybe that's why she wanted to find out what we talk about.

"I noticed Miss Asahina crying out in the hallway. What happened?"

"Just her being a miserable cry-baby who's too obsessed with her looks." 'Kyon' still didn't look up as she spoke, and she sounded like she'd had had a boring exam all day.

Koizumi looked confused. Good. I like when he's confused. It's great when he doesn't know all the answers. "I see."

He glanced across to me, and then to Nagato. What did he want? What did he think was going on? For once, I was hoping he'd work it out on his own, but I doubted he'd stop doing everything Haruhi says long enough to try and figure out what's going on.

"Kyon, would you like to go grab a coffee?"

'Kyon' looked like 'he'd' been asked on a date. In fact, it sounded like it too. Damn you Koizumi. Don't say it like that.

"Yeah!"

Okay, a little too optimistic, don't you think? Why'd Haruhi so…oh no…

"No!"

"Huh?" 'Kyon' gave a deadpan gaze.

"Uh…" Come on Kyon, think of an excuse. Something that sounds Haruhi-like. Uh…uh…uh…that's it! "I'm not letting anyone else just run out like that. If you all keep taking breaks, we'll never get anything done. Kyon, keep working on that website. We'll lose if we don't finish it by tomorrow.

"But who are we losing to?"

"Don't ask stupid questions, just do as I say." Finally, she gets a taste of her own medicine.

"Oh yeah? And what if I don't want to?"

Oh crap. She's arguing back. I can't lose this one! If 'he' goes with Koizumi, he'll tell 'him' everything.

"You have to. My word is final!"

"I'm afraid that means I can't go." Had Koizumi gotten the message? Or was he just complying as normal? Either way, 'Kyon' glared at him, before sending all that anger my way.

"Fine! I'm leaving – I won't be treated like this." Haruhi grabbed my jacket from the seat and rushed away from the desk to the door. "Itsuki, come on, we have to talk!"

There it was. She was expecting a talk, even though he never mentioned it. It was all so much clearer now. We'd given her a low-hanging fruit – all she has to do was climb up and pluck it, and she'll find out about everything. I know that no one really knows for sure what would happen, but I'm sure as hell not risking it.

"Koizumi, stay here."

The look of confusion on his face was priceless, as he glanced back and forth between me and 'Kyon', who held the door wide open. Come on, you normally do everything Haruhi says, do this one too. Please!

He put on that god-awful smile of his again. "My apologies 'Kyon', but I don't feel up to being a rebel and leaving the club. Perhaps we could talk some other time?"

The door slammed. Hard.

'He' was gone, and 'he' was angry.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Good grief.

"That was unusual." At least Koizumi was noticing. I was worrying he thought this was just a normal day. He didn't yet give me any reason to believe otherwise. "Do you know if something is bothering Kyon? He's acting rather oddly."

"Of course it is." Hadn't he worked it out yet? Then again, this isn't exactly the first thing that would come to mind as the reason. Even for someone so used to supernatural phenomena like Koizumi.

"Do you know what?"

"Of course I do."

"Of course?"

"Of course, because I _am_ Kyon."

Koizumi looked at me like I'd just announced I was a penguin…no…wait…already used that one. I give up. You try inventing similes for everything.

"Excuse me?"

"Sentience exchange."

The first words Nagato had said that day (probably) were just as bewildering as normal. "Sentience exchange?"

She nodded, now looking up from her book. "The entity called Haruhi Suzumiya has been placed in your body, and the entity called…"

"Basically, we switched bodies." I decided to interrupt before Nagato could write an essay.

"You and Miss Suzumiya?"

"Unfortunately so."

"I see."

Koizumi, for all his calm words, looked more surprised and confused than I had ever seen him before. He seemed to have trouble looking me in the eye. Perhaps he was uncomfortable about telling Haruhi about anything, even if it wasn't really her. I found it hard not to laugh at Koizumi's misfortune.

"This is highly unusual."

Isn't everything we do 'highly unusual'? This is coming from an Esper, after all. "You're telling me. Nagato, is there anything at all you can do about this?"

"It is not possible for me to affect changes in the direct impacts of Haruhi Suzumiya's data manipulation."

"Are you not allowed to, or not able to?"

"Both."

"Oh." Damn. That seemed like a way out too. Why is there always a catch? "Why's that?"

"Her data manipulation abilities are greater than mine, even though she is unaware of it." Now, I'm not certain, but I think I heard a hint of jealousy in Yuki's voice. "I am here only to observe."

"Did you expect an easy way out?" Koizumi sounded rather amused. Great, now he's laughing at me.

"Well, it'd make a change."

There's that chuckle again.

"I have to admit that I would too, but this is the situation we're in. Miss Suzumiya has acted out her will."

"Yeah, but why do I have to be the one who has to suffer for it?"

"You're the chosen one."

Ugh. I am so sick of hearing that. "What does that even mean?"

"It would be disadvantageous for you to know that." Bastard. He does know. And he's chuckling again! "But I will tell you this: everything Miss Suzumiya does has…"

"A logical meaning, yeah, yeah, I know."

"Exactly. If we work out what that meaning is, perhaps we can reverse all this."

There was an annoying glint in his eye and an even more annoying smile on his face. I've wondered it before, but I think Koizumi enjoys this way too much. He always acts and waves around like he's in some drama. No-one does that in real life: Esper or not.

"I think I know why she's doing this."

That surprised him. Little victories like this keep me going. "Oh?"

Then came the words I had wanted to say for so long. "It's your fault too." God it feels good to say that.

"What did I do then?" Dammit. Show at least a bit of annoyance about being blamed. And stop smiling!

"You and your stupid endless talks made her curious. I think she swapped bodies with me to find out."

Once again, he pulled off that irritating closed eyes smile. "My sincerest apologies then. It seems we created a lure for her. I'm afraid my organisation did not foresee this."

"There was a 65.394% chance of this event occurring." That was Nagato's take on all this. I'm surprised she doesn't gamble; she could make a fortune. Not that she'd have anything to spend it on. Or even that she'd need to – with her abilities, she can make money from old rope. Literally.

"It appears you helped us evade a hairy situation then. I was very close to telling Miss Suzumiya everything."

Damn. That would've been so good have the end of the world be not entirely my fault for once.

"I'd still call this a hairy situation. I can't even act like Haruhi all that well. If people suspect something, what'll happen?"

"I doubt that anyone would come to this conclusion."

"That's not what I meant. If people start asking questions, Haruhi might end up nearly ending the universe again."

"I will prevent that occurring to the extent that my abilities allow."

If it weren't for Ryoko vanishing without a trace, I wouldn't have believed Nagato. Her control over what people remember and whether they exist at all is quite worrying actually – I hope she never has to use it on me. She's not as powerful as Haruhi, but I'd bet she comes close.

"Plus, now that she knows the supernatural is possible, who knows what she'll believe can happen? We got off lightly the last time: I don't know how I'd explain Shimasen talking to my folks."

"Hmm…we have reached an interesting situation then."

Don't say it in such a pompous manner.

"And yet, I have yet to detect the presence of any closed spaces."

"I'm sorry?" He's lost me there. What has that got to do with anything?

"As you know, every time Miss Suzumiya becomes discontented, she creates a closed space."

"Yeah, I'm well aware of that by now."

"In the body of Kyon just now, she stormed out because you would not let her go with me to talk. Plus, I noticed she wasn't in the happiest mood when I entered. Normally, I would have felt a closed space form, which means we can only assume one thing."

"Haruhi doesn't have her powers."

"Exactly."

I crossed my arms. Did he think this was surprising me? "I already figured that would be possible."

"It's curious that for all the emphasis we have placed on Haruhi's mind, it was really her body that contained her remarkable powers."

"So I'm God."

"Or one of the various theories of the organisations surrounding Miss Suzumiya, yes."

"Let's just keep this simple."

"If you wish."

"So, basically, I have all of Haruhi's powers, and anything I really believe in will become reality, right?"

"That would appear to be the case."

"So why the hell can't I be myself again? I want that more than anything else – I believe it to be the way it should be. I've been begging for that all day. If it's so easy for Haruhi, then why can't I do it?"

"Haruhi Suzumiya's previous influence has locked the data from editing." There's Nagato, going right over my head again. I should be thankful to be given a clear answer for once.

"Excuse me?"

"Like a file someone else has set as read only."

Why did Koizumi think I was an expert with computers? I used the manual to make the website, and even that was a pain to do. "So…Haruhi has stopped me from changing things?"

"That would appear to be the case, even if Miss Suzumiya herself is unaware."

"Ugh…that seems to be normal with things like this."

"Our only option appears to be to wait for Miss Suzumiya to grow bored of the current situation."

"That'll take months! She's so happy about this, I doubt she'll ever calm down about it. Couldn't I just wish for her to want to change?"

"Suzumiya's powers are never to do with wishing. In her sense of the world, she actually believes such things are possible, and so, they are." Koizumi always seems to have an explanation for everything. It drives me nuts.

Although Nagato is strangely quiet. What happened to her tales of someone not telling the truth? Or how the time travellers and the organisation differ in their opinions? I could really use a more optimistic viewpoint right now.

"Ugh…" I don't think I could believe something so strongly as Haruhi does. I'm too used to reality, even with aliens, time travellers and Espers thrown on top. "Who said I needed to use powers? Heck, I'll just go and make her want this body back."

"Haruhi does not listen to your opinions." Nagato can put things so bluntly at times. But she's right. Even on those rare occasions where she does listen, she normally goes against what I say.

"Who says she has to listen? If she thinks I'm abusing this body, she'll want it back in a snap." I clicked.

"I'm afraid it's not that simple."

Yes it is Koizumi. Yes it is. I genuinely believe that. So come on Haruhi powers…believe…believe!

"If Miss Suzumiya is genuinely discontent and switches back, then she would know of the possibility of body-switching. Imagine the whole world having such problems: it would be a disaster."

I have to say, I'm getting tired of having the world on my back with everything involving Haruhi. And only she would lack logic enough to think that this switch was possible in the first place.

Okay, so maybe it is. But I wouldn't say it's natural.

"It is essential that Miss Suzumiya is not allowed to switch back to her own body until we find a solution for our current problem."

You're kidding me, right?

"We must avoid her becoming discontented."

"Okay, okay, I understand what you guys are talking about, but what about me?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm God now! Bow down to me!" Part of me can't believe I actually said that. Still, the idea of Koizumi being a personal slave is a promising one. In fact, the number of people who would worship me…I would have such power.

Koizumi chuckled. Damn it. What's so funny?

"I'm afraid that you're somewhat misguided."

"How can I be misguided? You said I had the power of a God." Bow down already.

"Yes, but you also have common sense enough not to use it to destroy everything. The far greater risk here is Haruhi, should you two switch back."

"So the tiny chance of Haruhi becoming Haruhi again and making everyone swap bodies is worse than me, right here, right now, being God and being able to destroy you all and your organisation by just believing they don't exist?"

"Yes."

Even when I'm God, they still won't stop bowing down to Haruhi. Could things possibly get any worse?

Don't answer that.

* * *

**A/N: **So, Itsuki and Nagato are now in the loop that Kyon is now God, and it makes absolutely no difference to who they bow down to. Maybe 'Haruhi' will have more luck with Mikuru? Somehow I doubt it.

Oh, and apologies for long waits both now and in the future – I expect to be very busy until at least mid-October due to so many commitments like universities, school and other such things. I'll try and post new chapters of my various fanfics when possible, but don't expect the usual rate by any means.

Until next time…

B.C.


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